"You like this new consultant, John?"

"Yah."

{insert co-worker's look of absolute shock}

"... well, he swears as much as I do, for starters..."

You know, the soundtrack to Pirates of the Caribbean really is a one-trick-pony, but it's even more obvious when you play a medley of it. Oi.

Still, it's fun when gunpowder fireworks are involved.

Ah, outdoor evening pops concerts.

Yegods.

It's a good thing this particular orchestra only calls me four times a year. Any more and it'd probably drive me drink.

On stage.

You know you're in for a hiking treat when the main advice for dealing with the area's major blood-sucking pest (yellow flies) is to just run the fuck away.

There comes a point in one's vocation when one's tools become a natural extension of the body, no thought required.

The joy of this epiphany is, of course, tempered by the horrific realization that one has been tapping their student's fingers with the spine of a very sharp reed knife for the past few minutes while lecturing on proper hand position.

Needless to say, I doubt I will ever see "teacup pinkies" from this particular kid again.

Managed to avoid being eaten by bears.

Dear Mr. Conductor Man,

Those dynamic and tempo marks in the score? They're more of what we call guidelines. No one will die if we're not exactly at 82 bpm.

TAB: Yo!
Styx: Holy crap, he is risen! You've gotten your holidays mixed up, chum. Easter's some time off.
TAB: I SMITE THEE!
TAB: what loot did you get for xmas?
Styx: ipod nano from my mom.
TAB: sweet!
Styx: And a knife.
Styx: Also from mom.
TAB: she must really love you
Styx: One would certainly hope so with a gift like that.

Evidently, the waitresses at First Watch take it as a personal insult if you order only bacon for breakfast.

Tip: If your office insists on a holiday gift exchange, try a White Elephant gift exchange instead of Secret Santa.

It's a far less soul-destroying venture and can actually be very amusing. Especially when some of the gag gifts (often toys) pit child-rearing coworkers against one another.

Just be ready to clean up the blood when it's all over.

---

So, my mother asks me this eve if I got anything nice¹ at the office Christmas party...

Me: "Merry fucking Christmas." {slams present² on VP's desk}
VP: "Merry fucking Christmas." {shoves envelope into my hands}
Me: {Storms back to office and opens envelope. Inside is a card with a $100 bill inside.}
Me: {rings up VP}
VP: "Hello?"
Me: "YOU SUCK!"
VP: "HA HA HA!" *click*

"Yeah," I told her. "I got a card from my veep."

"That's nice. Did you remember to thank him?"

"Yes, mom."

---

[1] She is, at least, aware I have instigated a White Elephant exchange for the past 4 years, so any loot from this is no necessarily included in the term "nice". Though the Chia Taz³ I ended up with this year was pretty funny.

[2] Part of the afore-mentioned turrón stash.

[3] Which started as a figure of the abominable snowman, then stolen, to be replaced by a beer mug, swapped out for an elephant⁴ lamp, and finally a gourd-shaped candle.

[4] We have a few literal thinkers around the office.